The Wallachian Kingdom is located in eastern Moravia. If you clamber up onto Mount Radhošť, you can see the entire Kingdom. Slovakia lies on the eastern border, Lašsko on the northern border, Haná on the western border and in the south the Wallach's neighbours are the Moravian Slovaks and the Luhačovický forested region. Thanks to our positive foreign policy, we have managed to expand the territory of the Kingdom. We will continue to inform you, our loyal subjects, of any further expansion to the Wallachian Kingdom.
The weather in the Wallachian Kingdom is definitely easy and quick to recognise. All you need is one shoelace (the slower among you may use both shoe laces, if you so desire). Grip the shoelace in your hand (the slower among you may use both hands) and hold it in front of you.. Now carefully observe the shoelace for at least one minute (the longer you observe it, the more precise your measurements will be). All the meteorologists will envy you this method.
The shoelace throws a shadow: the sun is shining
The shoelaces doesn't throw anything: its overcast
The shoelace is moving: the wind is blowing
The shoelace is moving a lot: there is a gale
The shoelace flew away: there is a typhoon
The shoelace is wet: it's raining
The shoelace is hard: it's freezing
The shoelace can't be seen: it's foggy
So that you are even better informed about the weather in the Kingdom, we have discovered the following interesting information for you from the meteorological station at Lysá hora. The highest ever temperature was apparently +29.4 °C recorded on 5. 7. 1957, while the lowest winter temperature was -30.9 °C recorded on 9. 2. 1956. The strongest wind blew on 6. 5. 1968, when the wind speed was measured at 44 m/s (158.4 km/h). The meteorologists measured the greatest annual rainfall in 1913: (2254.7 mm). The most recent largest monthly rainfall was measured in July 1997 (811.5 mm) and the most recent largest daily rainfall was measured again in July on 6. 7. 1997 (233.8 mm).
Fauna and Flora
The fauna and flora of the Wallachian Kingdom unfortunately isn't what it use to be. A romantic death amid a pack of wolves or a vain, but dogged fight with a wild bear is unfortunately no longer an option. You would have to be incredibly lucky even to catch a glimpse of these creatures from a distance. Despite that, however, our natural habitat belongs among the best preserved in the Czech Republic. A significant part of the Wallachian Kingdom is also part of the Protected Landscape Area of the Beskid Region, which has an area of 1160 km2 and is the largest protected territory within the Czech Republic. I am assuming that you're not all that interested in the insects and other creepy crawlies, which will accompany your every move and bite and bite you or bother you in some other manner, and that your attention will be mainly focussed on the snakes, some of the birds and the forest mammals. Many common and rare animals live in the mountain forests - among others the fire salamander, the common adder, the hazel grouse, the black stork, the black woodpecker, the stock dove, the ring ouzel, the sparrow-hawk, the goshawk, the forest hobby, the raven, the lynx, the badger, the field hare, the common owl, Tengmalm's owl, the roebuck, the red deer, the wild boar and others. By „and others", I mainly mean the afore-mentioned wolf and bear. Wolves have begun to appear in the municipalities of Pražmo and Morávka, where their attacks on unguarded or poorly monitored sheep have been recorded. However, stray dogs also have a significant share of the number of killed sheep. The common wolf was the original wolf species in the Beskid Mountains, which was wiped out at the beginning of the century and only returned to the local mountains about three years ago thanks to the protection it received in Slovakia. In the border region of the Wallachian Kingdom with Slovakia, there is presently a relatively large pack of these highly organised beasts of prey, which are the most significant predators for deer and wild boar.
Apart from fauna, the Wallachian Kingdom also has flora, which the animals often crawl into so that they can't be seen and, let's be honest, so that they can have some piece and quiet from you lot. The things most worth seeing are, for example, the rare orchids on the wetland meadows, the white-headed thistle on the foothill pastures, the ferns on the talus cones etc.
As the Beskid Protected Landscape Area includes protected areas of not only the Czech Republic, but above all of our Kingdom,
Here is a list of the specific bans and limitations in the Beskid Protected Landscape Area:
- It is forbidden to discard, tip out, dump or burn any waste, except for in the places reserved for doing so. Don't be lazy and carry your rubbish some place where you can dispose of it without littering the nature.
- It is forbidden to break branches, damage the bark on trees and bushes or to damage them in any other way, otherwise somebody will come and damage you.
- It is forbidden to disturb, catch, keep in captivity, injure or kill the animals. There are heaps more bans, but you good people won't want to read any more and the others aren't interested anyway. So we'll skip them.
The head of the Wallachian Kingdom is the King. The King is surrounded by a group of ministers, who more or less take care of the running of the Kingdom. The practical functioning of the Kingdom is, however, my duty, i.e. the duty of Tomáš Harabiš, the Minister of Foreign Affairs, and his team. We are the ones, who have prepared this guide for you as well as everything else, which is associated with your emigration to the Kingdom. We take care of everything, so that you will feel at home in the Kingdom and so that you will be able to be proud of your new country.
The economy of the Wallachian Kingdom is highly stable and the inhabitants haven't even noticed that there has been an economic crisis. I am of the opinion that this positive phenomenon is probably caused by the fact that the economy of the Kingdom was already in its own stable economic crisis long before. Most of the money in the royal coffers comes right from you, so have no mercy on us! Buy Wallachian (our) products as a citizen of the Wallachian Kingdom. You'll actually be supporting yourselves!
Art and Culture
Art and culture are one of the most solid pillars of the Wallach-ian Kingdom, but they are also often the least appreciated. And that's why we are here, to unveil to the world something, which will without doubt cause chaos. In the coming years, diplomatic posts representing the Wallachian Kingdom will be established in a number of countries throughout the world with the express task of disseminating the long neglected culture and glory of our exceptional country. Not many people are aware of how many significant personalities are connected with the Wallachian Kingdom. Those born in the Kingdom include František Palacký, the father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud, the composer Leoš Janáček, the sculptors Albín Polášek and Marius Kotrba, the painters Zdeněk Burian, Jan Kobzáň and Ilja Hartinger, the world's most famous shoemaker Tomáš Baťa, the travellers and writers Jiří Hanzelka, Miroslav Zikmund and Ludvík Vaculík and the photographer Jindřich Štreit. On top of that, the scientist and writer Jan Amos Comenius worked here. The Kingdom's contemporary actors and singers include Bolek Polívka, Vlasta Redl, Eliška Balzerová, Josef Abrhám and Pavel Zedníček. Radek Brzobohatý, Vlastimil Brodský and others have all worked here. Tomáš Garrique Masaryk often visited the Wallachian Kingdom. It is also gradually becoming known that the Wallachian Kingdom is the cradle for many world discoveries. I am not afraid to say that in my opinion the roots of the British royal family as well as the British national sports of golf and cricket may be found here. The Scots are beginning to get nervous and are preparing for a mass exodus, because it has been proven that Scotch whisky is none other than redistilled and flavoured Wallachian plum brandy! The Italians have lost their national symbol and have been much more shy since it was proven without any doubt whatsoever that pizza, macaroni and spaghetti originated as scraps when old Pagáčka of Huslenky tried to make baked ham noodles. And I could go on and on in the same vein, but let's wait for the clear evidence, which I am currently in the process of verifying. As usual, we will keep you informed of all new developments.
Newly discovered facts about the history of international sport prove that the cradle of practically every sporting discipline is the Wallachian Kingdom. I will now handover to the highly qualified Jura Pernicky:
What has Wallachia given to international sport or how the Wallachs taught the rest how to play sport.
...The cradle of ice hockey is not Canada as is generally assumed by the people of this planet, but Wallachia and its shepherds and stockmen. The proof of this lies in the shape of the hockey stick, which is clearly similar to an upturned shepherd's crook, and the shape of the puck, which resembles a piece of horse dung, with which the jolly mountain folk passed the long hours in the fields. It was not until the settlement of America, where the Wallach colonisers arrived after a short stay in Europe in the 18th century, that Lojzek Valášek, a former shepherd, spread this sport. One of his descendents is the former trainer of the Vsetín league team, Horst Valášek, whose ancestors made the difficult journey back home via Germany. Another piece of highly compelling evidence is the section of the preserved rules, which allow for hard physical contact. This method, which is well known to the professionals in the NHL, quite clearly resembles Wallachian punch-ups at the pub, although now they pull hockey uniforms instead of hats.
It is similarly misconstrued that golf is a typical Anglo-Saxon sport, despite the fact that it was born in Wallachia. There are several pieces of evidence. Let us once again look at the shape of the golf club and the ball. Does this not also remind you of an upturned shepherd's crook and the droppings from a good sheep? Also, the word „green" is a corruption of „Grúň", which is the name of the range of hills in Wallachia, the shape of which meant that they were an ideal place for playing this nice, typically Wallachian sport.
It is a little known fact that the Wallachian cycle (pursuit) wing is active in Wallachia. This is a group of cycling enthusiasts, who promote Wallachia and Wallachian sport with their graceful riding. Wherever they go, they shine. Apart from sport and appearances, they try to teach the local natives Wallachian folk songs, which have been engraved on their memories over
a number of years. A number of the armies of the world powers have followed their example and during the 2nd World War they named their elite forces „pursuit wings" (for example 112th /Fighter/ Squadron RAF=112th pursuit wing of the British Royal Air Force), which directly helped to save the nation from its yoke ...
Wallachian is a wonderful language, which is full of idioms and is fully ncomprehensible to the people of all other nations. It is especially pithy in its similes and sayings, which we used in the perpetual calendar called Calendarium Valachium Perpetuum Universalis. When you first hear it, Wallachian sounds like Czech, but then you hear a word, which you have never heard used in Czech before. In recent years, the knowledge of foreign languages has also improved, especially among the younger generation. You should now be able to communicate in German or English at most of the tourist locations. At the moment, there may still be a problem with other languages.